The 'Vanderpump Rules' star said he was 'saving' himself for Rachel amid her mental health treatment.
Tom Sandoval is looking back on his affair with Rachel Leviss. On Tuesday's episode of Vanderpump Rules, the reality star told his pal, Billie Lee, about the best part of his romance with Rachel, who was previously known as Raquel, amid his relationship with Ariana Madix.
The conversation started with Tom revealing that he was missing Rachel, whom he hadn't spoken to since leaving to film Special Forces: World's Toughest Test.
"The last time I talked to Raquel, I didn't think it was going to be the last time I spoke to her," he told the cameras. "In that conversation, she did tell me she was extending again in the facility. I told her I loved her and that we would talk later."
While Tom, who's now dating Victoria Lee Robinson, said he was "not doing" a romance at the time, he noted of himself and Rachel, "I'm hoping that we can at least give whatever this is some sort of shot. Pretty much I'm saving myself for Raquel."
Then, while speaking to Billie, Tom revealed what it was about his romance with Rachel that was so hard to resist, even as it grew into a news sensation known as Scandoval.
"What we had was definitely love, that's why I was so addicted to it, that's why I couldn't see anything else," he said. "It's not like we were just hanging out having sex. The hanging out was, like, the f**king best part."
Amid the fallout from the affair, Billie noted that "there were times when I literally thought we could've lost you."
"I got close a couple of times," Tom admitted. "When you get in that frame of mind, I had to really snap myself out of it. I just want to be happy again. I don't feel like I'm allowed."
In a confessional, Tom added, "There were all kinds of feelings in my head -- pain, anger, sadness, depression, bleakness. I lost all of my friends and it felt like maybe the best way to show that I'm sorry and kind of, I feel like everybody wants, is for me to go away... I've never been an outsider with my group of friends. I feel like Andy Dufresne when he first gets to Shawshank. I wish I could get it back, just some part that resembles my old life. It's always the people that are closest to you that seem to hurt you the most."
Lisa Vanderpump, to whom Tom previously revealed he'd had suicidal thoughts, was determined not to have the TomTom owner spiral. On Tuesday's episode, she implored Lala Kent and Scheana Shay to ease up on Tom amid his mental health struggles.
"There's only so much one person can take before they break. I don't want to be in a position where we have regret," Lisa said. "...Tom Sandoval isn't the kind of person that says he's had suicidal thoughts unless he means it."
Both women seemed to soften a bit in response, but Scheana worried about how Ariana would react to any show of support towards Tom. Scheana's fears were validated when she rehashed her conversation with Lisa to Ariana to negative results.
"I can understand that maybe he has had some thoughts and some feelings, but those thoughts and those feelings are based on a situation that he created in which he didn't give a f**k about anyone else's mental health," Ariana told the cameras. "I know I'm a b**ch saying this, but it just feels a little bit annoying."
Scheana cried in response, as she noted that Tom had been "such an amazing friend" to her, but Ariana was unmoved.
"It wasn't genuine," Ariana said. "As soon as he's getting invited to parties again, he'll be like, 'Great, that's what I wanted.' This is a scary f**king person that I don't trust any word that comes out of his mouth, because it's constantly changing, and it all, to me, feels like manipulation."
Later, as the group's trip to Tahoe approached, Tom Schwartz urged his buddy to "leave your ego here," advising, "Maybe can you just be like, 'Dude, I'm sorry that I hurt you.'"
In response, Sandoval became sarcastic, saying, "Lala, I'm sorry I gave you so much f**king content for your podcast. I'm sorry too about all that merch you sold. For them to not understand what they did was so f**ked up. Lala and Scheana showed the entire nation how to treat us. People followed their lead."
Schwartz warned Sandoval that "this energy's not going to serve you well," telling him, "You gotta put down the guard a little bit. I'm not saying you have to let people walk all over you and abuse you... but let them feel those feelings for a couple minutes."
In a confessional, Schwartz expressed further concerns about their upcoming trip.
"His tone of 'they don't know what they've done to me,' it worries me. I don't want to undermine his feelings, but I don't think it's going to be productive," he said. "I'm optimistic about this trip to Tahoe, but do I expect it to miraculously cleanse everyone's memory? No, of course not. I'm hoping maybe it opens up the door a little bit."
Vanderpump Rules airs Tuesdays on Bravo.
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