'I feel like I've begged for it.'
Tanner Tolbert is opening up about his sex life with Jade Roper.
On the latest episode of Nick Viall's podcast, Viall Files, the 32-year-old Bachelor in Paradise alum gave some insight into his sex life with his wife after the birth of their children, Emmy, 2, and Brooks, 1 month.
"What romance?" Tolbert quipped of his love life since welcoming his kids, adding that everything has "changed completely" as of late.
"I want some sex more now. Jade wants it less," he said of intimacy with Roper, who recently opened up about her post-baby body. "... She's producing milk. She's got a baby on her. She's exhausted... I get why, but it is hard. It's one of the biggest things we talk about."
The initial decline of their sex life happened after the arrival of their first child when Roper was breastfeeding and continued as she quickly got pregnant with their son, who she welcomed in a closet in July.
"That jacked with her hormones a little bit I think and her focus was on Emmy, as it should be," he said. "It took a dive then and then pretty much right after the breastfeeding stopped, we got pregnant again with Brooks and went through the whole pregnancy and now he’s here and we have two kids."
"It is tough. I feel like I’ve begged for it," Tolbert continued. "And I don’t want to feel selfish. I hate asking. I hate trying, 'cause, like, I don’t want it to be, like, pity sex. And I don't want to, like, annoy Jade and I realize her priority should be on the kids, not me, but I do feel on the back burner... Sometimes I get, like, a little down and throw myself a little pity party sometimes. And she understands me and I think she feels bad. It usually leads to a little bit of pity sex or pity something."
Due to less frequent sex between the couple, who tied the knot back in 2016, Tolbert said that initiation alone would be the biggest turn on for him.
"I honestly feel like since we had kids I initiate 99 percent of the time. While the sex is great thereafter and I still enjoy it, it's better when the wife initiates," he explained. "Even if you don't want to, I think throw the guy a bone a little bit and make him feel wanted. Because I think, as a husband with two kids, it's easy to be put on the back burner and if your wife shows that initial interest where you don't have to make the move first, that's the big difference to me."
After Viall questioned if Tolbert has turned to porn with the decline of sex, he quipped, "I have to," before revealing that he actually doesn't love watching it.
"I’m not really a big porn guy. I feel like now that I’m married, I don’t want to go that route as much as when I was single if that makes sense. I don't know why," he said, before admitting, "If Jade’s out of town, I will."
Tolbert added that, while Roper is OK with him watching porn and neither of them consider it to be cheating, she never wants details about when and how he partakes.
"She’s OK with me doing it, she doesn’t want to know, 'Hey, I’m going to the room right now, see ya,'" he said. "... I think if you're able to give to your partner to satisfy their needs, then great. Maybe it shouldn't be a part of your life at all or as much or whatever the case being. But if you’re at a period of your life where you can’t fulfill certain needs, I don’t think you can view it as cheating or view it as trust issues."
Though he's not super keen on watching porn, Tolbert did say that he will fantasize about his wife, with whom he said he has an open dialogue with about sex, and tell her after the fact.
"I think it's a form of flattery. She wasn't, like, disgusted by it. I think she liked it. Better her than me watching something else," he said, before referencing his wife's Playboy shoot years ago. "Jade did Playboy before. I have access to some stuff when she's out of town."
Tolbert also opened up about his life as a dad, candidly revealing that he's finding it harder to connect to his son than he did his daughter.
"Before I had Emmy, before any pregnancy in my life, I always thought I wanted a boy. Only, first, whatever. I wanted a boy. But, to be honest, my connection with my daughter probably initially was the most strong," he said. "... I feel bad saying that because I’ve got a beautiful newborn son there, but maybe it just takes time too."
"I will love them equally, for different reasons, but I feel it right now more with Emmy and I don’t know why. I think that'll change over time," he continued. "I think the newborn stage for me is just really hard, if I'm being open and honest. Just the incessant crying. It makes me go crazy... He wants mom all the time. You know, I don’t have milk here to provide."
One reason for the difference, Tolbert speculated, was that he was working a full time job when his daughter was a newborn and now he is home a lot more.
"I came home for a little bit of playtime and, 'Aw cute baby! OK, night!' And that was it. It was super easy," he said. "... I am way more stressed now that I'm not working and am at home with two little ones than when I was working. I'm more exhausted, more mentally tired. It's a lot of work and, honestly, working is easier than being a stay at home mom... I'm not talking a little harder, it's like 10 times harder."
"... You're supposed to paint this picture of, 'Oh yeah I've loved my baby from day one.' And while I do love him, it takes time to build a bond, a true bond," he added. "I'm really at that point with Emmy and I can't wait to get there with my son too. 'Cause now I know the arc of how it works."
While Tolbert called being a dad "the best thing that's ever happened to me," he admitted to being unsure if he'll be ready for a third child anytime soon.
"I'm a little scared right now to say I want a third," he shared. "May I get there once things ease up again? Maybe. Maybe even probably. But I don't know."
Despite the hectic nature of his life right now, Tolbert, who recently opened up to ET's Lauren Zima about his growing family, couldn't help but gush over his lovely wife.
"We are each other's best friends and we balance each other out. I think we're complete opposites, which every once in a while can cause a fight, but I think mostly we balance each other out," he said. "... We're just both committed to each other. At the end of the day I think being committed to someone and fighting through lows will make it work."
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