The YouTuber posted a 40-minute video about her relationship struggles.
Tana Mongeau is ending 2019 on a note of realness. The 21-year-old musician and YouTube sensation posted a 40-minute video on Sunday titled, "the truth about everything," where she touched on her relationship with Jake Paul, her mental health struggles, drug relapses and more.
Tana began by noting that she's currently "the lowest" she's ever felt mentally.
"This year is coming to a close and I'm just not happy. I'm so unhappy with the way my relationship with Jake looks in the public eye and I've done so much pretending that I don't care what I do. So it's my fault," she said. "I loved Jake so much, I still do... but I did so much of being the cool girl and not caring because I wanted to do life with this person and I wanted to see them happy and thrive and I wanted to show them that there are people that will accept you for who you are. I think I put so much of myself into Jake that I lost myself, and that's not his fault. And I'm not blaming him for that at all. It's just the reality. I don't regret it."
She went on to open up about her love story with Jake, noting that they got romantically involved after a series a damaging relationships for her.
"The second I walked into Jake Paul's world, there was no taking me out of it," she said. "I was so consumed. And I wish we would have relished in that time so much longer. Long talks and hooking up and no one knowing. It was just so simple and amazing."
She went on to call Jake's influence "a drug," adding, "I loved the time I spent with Jake so much and who I felt like he was making me.... I loved who I was when I was with him so much that I kind of put on rose-colored glasses. I realized I would do anything to feel this feeling forever."
Tana also opened up about her highly publicized summer wedding to Jake, saying, "Everyone thought it was for clout and fame and I think that made it so much worse for me mentally. If anything I would be so much smarter than it was... If the wedding was fake to me in my head, I would be in so much less pain."
The YouTuber believes that the wedding was a turning point for the couple, and not in a good way.
"The second that Jake and I got married, I just feel like everything changed... I think the second he said, 'I do,' to me, he was like, 'Now what?' I think he was also over it. I don't blame him, but it left me clinging, trying to make this work," she recalled.
Tana also called the wedding night "hell" for her and talked about her decision to have an open relationship with Jake.
"I feel like an open relationship with Jake was him being able to have sex with a new b**ch every night, which I am not blaming him," she insisted. "I was the one green lighting everything because I just wanted to make him happy. And letting it kill me. You can only let something kill you for so long until it's actually going to f**king kill you."
And though she opened up about the difficulties in her relationship, Tana confirmed she is "still with Jake" and insisted that this was not a "hate video."
"I always want to be close with Jake, no matter what. I shared one of the craziest times of my life with this person and we were a team and he made me feel some of the best feelings I've ever felt just as a person, but also some of the worst. I feel I should have been far more transparent with him and myself and the world, but I just couldn't," she said. "Jake could f**king kill my whole family, I will always love him. I will always have a bond with him that I don't ever see myself having with anyone else."
Tana concluded the video by noting that she was afraid of Jake's reaction to the video, but insisting that she needed to return to her most authentic self. She mirrored that sentiment earlier this month when speaking with ET's Oscar Grace at the 2019 YouTube Streamy Awards.
"The only thing I want to leave behind in 2019 is anything that's inauthentic, to be real," Tana told ET at the time. "It's very easy to get caught up in the world of press and maintaining an image and maintaining this highlight reel that the world expects. 2020 for me is a really big year of realness and authenticity and just being who I am. I've gotta get back to that."
For more from the exclusive interview, watch the clip below:
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