The reality star opened up to ET about losing her son at birth and how she's been recovering, physically and emotionally.
Madisson Hausburg is opening up about the loss of her son at childbirth and how she's been recovering, physically and emotionally, in the wake of her personal tragedy.
The Siesta Key star revealed in an emotional post back in December that she'd suffered a stillbirth, and had lost her newborn son, Elliot. Five months later, Hausburg says things have been "really hard" for both her and her husband, Ish Soto, in their journey toward recovery.
"This past five months have been such a blur for me," Hausburg shared with ET's Cassie DiLaura. "I don't feel like people say, 'It'll get easier.' Because It doesn't. And I've talked to a lot of lost moms and really other lost moms have really saved me."
It's because of this support that she's opening up now about her own loss so publicly.
"I hope to be able to be that for someone else. I hope someone sees my story and thinks, 'OK, I'm not alone.' Because when I got out of that hospital, I felt so alone," she shared. "Who thinks they're going to have a stillbirth? No one thinks that when you're nine months pregnant. So yeah. It's been hard."
While Hausburg is still grieving, the reality star explained, "I do still want to talk about my baby. And I think people forget that. People don't want to make you uncomfortable, and they're like, 'Oh, like he died. So we can't say that.' And that word even makes people uncomfortable. People don't like to say like, 'He died.' But he did. He died. And to me, that also means he lived."
"So I really want to get across that, just because it makes me really sad talking about Elliot, it also makes me really happy," Hausburg continued, breaking into tears. "Like, I want to talk about how cute his nose was. I want to talk about the color of his hair. Like every other mom gets to talk about those things, and those things make me happy. Like, yes, I'm crying, but those things are also really wonderful things. He's still my son. He's still my baby."
Hausburg said that one thing she's struggled with a lot in the wake of Elliot's death has been "connecting with Elliot now that he's not physically here... I have to relearn how to be a mother to a baby that's not here."
While some people who haven't given birth may not realize, Hausburg explained that suffering stillbirth doesn't spare a woman from postpartum depression and the other complications and physical challenges of childbirth.
"I gained all the weight. I'm losing hair every day. Like I just recently stopped having milk," she shared. "So I have all the aches and pains and the postpartum depression, like everything that comes with it, I just don't, at the end of the night, get to kiss my baby and say it was all worth it."
As for her relationship with her husband, Hausburg said the shared trauma has made their relationship "so much stronger."
"Just seeing the way he loves Elliot is also the most beautiful thing," she shared. "He's definitely being strong for me. And I think men do grieve differently... he has good days and bad days as well."
In the face of her loss, Hausburg said she is still "holding onto hope that this won't always be what motherhood has to offer for me."
"I do hope to have a living baby, but I know that Elliot will always be a part of my life and he will affect the way I am a mother in the future as well," she explained. "We are trying to have another baby. And so I do have hope that I will have that in the future."
"We got pregnant with Elliot our first try and it hasn't been the same this time around," she continued. "And obviously, I know my body is so different now. Like, I just gave birth five months ago, so I'm trying to be patient with my body. But there's just so much trauma there and this love/hate relationship I have with my body. And so it's tough. I have to be gentle with myself, but it's not always easy."
The forthcoming season finale of Siesta Key focuses heavily on Hausburg and Soto's wedding, which occurred in October, and the news of their tragic loss, which Hausburg candidly addresses during the emotional episode.
However, she tells ET that she doesn't know whether or not she'll be able to bring herself to watch the finale when it airs.
"I haven't decided yet. I don't even remember that day," Hausburg said of her grand wedding to Soto. "I just don't know. It's going to be hard for sure."
The Siesta Key season finale airs Thursday, May 26 at 9 p.m. ET/PT on MTV.
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