'I am a changed woman,' she said.
Peta Murgatroyd is opening up about her past miscarriages. In an emotional video on Instagram, the 36-year-old dancer, who is currently pregnant with her second child, shared photos and clips from the last few years, during which she miscarried three separate times. Murgatroyd and her husband, Maksim Chmerkovskiy, are already parents to a 6-year-old son, Shai.
The video starts in October 2020, with Murgatroyd explaining, "I found out I was pregnant on DWTS. We were so excited for our new chapter. I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant, not even my closest girlfriends."
That joy was short-lived, though, as Murgatroyd began feeling anxious and sick to her stomach. "The next day I miscarried in a Whole Foods bathroom in the Valley by myself," she said.
Over the next four months, Murgatroyd had an "incredibly tough" time.
"I was clearly not OK," she admitted. "But we all went to the park to try to get me out of my funk. I got back to work. I never showed my pain."
Nine months later, there were "tears of joy" when Murgatroyd found out she was pregnant again. This time, though, she "miscarried for the second time."
"This time, Maks was on tour, so it was hard being alone again," she said. "... I felt for Maks as well. He was under incredible stress and also trying to cope with the loss. I gave myself 24 hours to grieve this time. And I had to get back to life and not let myself get down like last time."
Two months later, Murgatroyd followed her husband "to the other side of the world to catch the fertility window." When she made her way back to Los Angeles, Murgatroyd felt "incredibly sick" and "had no idea" that she "was pregnant with severe COVID symptoms."
"I spent nine days at home with Shai with COVID. It was the worst time of my life. I felt like I was slowly dying," she said. "The moment my breathing worsened I called 911. I had no choice. I couldn't look after Shai any longer."
Not long after, Murgatroyd miscarried for the third time.
"The doctors told me my body had to choose between fighting COVID and continue growing the baby and it chose the COVID," she said. "I was almost too sick to care, but I remember thinking, 'Why me again? Why does God keep letting me get pregnant and I can't continue?'"
Two and a half years later, Murgatroyd and Chmerkovskiy are expecting their second child, a baby boy.
"The joy we are experiencing is otherworldly," she said. "I never thought we were going to be here. I thank God every day. It was all worth it."
It the caption of the video, Murgatroyd reflected on the "long ride" it's been for her family.
"Each day of those two and a half years I prayed for a miracle. I really was reluctant sharing this footage (some I did leave out) but I realized this is my journey…..not a pretty journey but …MY journey," she wrote. "I am a changed woman from these events, I think a better woman."
Now, Murgatroyd is "happy and content" and "won't take things for granted."
"I never thought this day at 39 weeks would come," she admitted. "It was an infatuation to be pregnant with my second child, I thought I needed it for my soul, to be full and whole. What I needed to realize and come to terms with was the fact that I am whole, I have a beautiful healthy family who love me and that I wasn't able to see. It killed my soul, but as soon as I released my fears of bearing only one child, I was pregnant a month later."
"I still look down and think HOW?!!!" Murgatroyd continued. "How did I get pregnant naturally a month after IVF? I am forever wrapped up in gratitude with a week or so to go."
Murgatroyd continued her post by calling Chmerkovskiy "the greatest man I could hope to be with," and telling him, "Thank you for sticking by me and riding this crazy wave of sorrow and joy. You have been my greatest support and will always be my best friend."
Then to her "beloved" son, Murgatroyd wrote, "You have been my light and greatest joy through all of this. Coming home to you with bad news only lifted my spirits high and made me want to be a better mother to you. You're my world, and when your baby brother comes my biggest dream will be realized seeing you hold him and look into his eyes."
Chmerkovskiy took to the comments section of his wife's post, writing, "I love you so much and I thank you every day for our perfect little family. I'm only as happy as you are and only when you are happy. Thank YOU for being an incredible example for us. I can't wait to meet our little man!"
When ET spoke with the couple earlier this year, they shared how they told Shai about his sibling on the way.
"We actually told [Shai] in our bathroom," Murgatroyd recalled with a laugh. "He was looking at my stomach, he's like, 'Mommy, you've got a baby in there,' and I was like, 'We do actually.' And he was so excited, just jumping around."
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