"I wasn't feeling alive anymore. I wasn't feeling like me."
Nikki Bella clearly had some issues to work out following her split from John Cena.
In a sneak peek of Sunday's Total Bellas, Nikki's family expresses concern for the 34-year-old WWE star after she calls off her engagement.
"I feel like my sister is handling this breakup by keeping on a brave face, but I know she goes home and cries and I know she's hurting really bad inside," Brie Bella, Nikki's twin sister, says.
While Nikki admits to missing John, 41, she also notes that she's feeling like herself for the first time in a while.
"There's just no answer overnight to know what I can live with, what I'll regret. I just feel super confused and I miss him more than anything in this world," she admits before adding that the relationship was taking a toll on her. "I wasn't feeling alive anymore. I wasn't feeling like me, and I just kind of became a 'yes' girl. I felt like I lost myself and it has nothing to do with John, but everything to do with me."
Nikki also puts some of the blame for her cancelled wedding on her fame.
"It's being in the limelight and having social media and all these things I started to feel like here's Nikki Bella and here's Nicole," she shares with her family. "When I first started being on reality TV and all this stuff, I was me. And then I was told, 'Don't talk like this, don't be this.' What I started to realize over the years is, like, especially with the movement that's going on, [it] has made me finally feel like I can speak out about it."
Nikki is hoping to channel her wrestling character a bit in her real life.
"So Nikki's slogan is 'Fearless Nikki,' but is Nicole 'Fearless Nicole?'" Nikki questions to the camera. "I have to say for a while she wasn't, until recently. Once I used my voice, and even though it brought some sadness, I feel like I'm finally 'Fearless Nicole.'"
This sneak peek comes a day after a rep for Nikki told ET that she and John are "working on their relationship" after calling off their engagement in April.
"Nikki Bella and John Cena are working on their relationship and taking it day by day," the rep said. "They appreciate all of their fans and their continued support."
While the pair split in part because of Nikki's desire to be a mom, John now seems open to becoming a parent.
"I'm willing to go back on all of these things I said, and a lot of things I was holding on to just out of stubbornness -- 'I won't have kids' -- and it took a really strong look in the mirror for me to be like, 'Why,'" he told the Today Show in May. "This person is my number one, and it's something that's very valuable to her, and of course we can do this ... all of that switched because I love her. She's my number one and I just want to make her happy ... and right now, she's happy."
Nikki also exclusively told ET recently that "it's going to take time" for her and John to possibly reconcile their relationship.
"John and I, we absolutely love each other and we care about each other a lot," she explained. "We are best friends and, right now, we're both giving each other time separately and maybe there's hope that we reunite in the future."
Here's more on their reconciliation:
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