The 'Law and Order: SVU' star shares her story in a personal essay.
Mariska Hargitay is sharing a very personal story. In an essay published by People magazine, the Law and Order: SVU star reveals that she was raped in her 30s by a friend.
Hargitay writes that the experience was all about "dominance" and "control."
"He was a friend. Then he wasn't. I tried all the ways I knew to get out of it. I tried to make jokes, to be charming, to set a boundary, to reason, to say no. He grabbed me by the arms and held me down. I was terrified," she recalls. "I didn't want it to escalate to violence. I now know it was already sexual violence, but I was afraid he would become physically violent. I went into freeze mode, a common trauma response when there is no option to escape. I checked out of my body."
Hargitay does not name the man in her essay.
"I couldn't process it," she explains. "I couldn't believe that it happened. That it could happen. So I cut it out. I removed it from my narrative. I now have so much empathy for the part of me that made that choice because that part got me through it. It never happened. Now I honor that part: I did what I had to do to survive."
The 59-year-old actress shares that for a long time, she tried to cope with the experience through her work with Joyful Heart Foundation, which is aimed towards supporting and empowering survivors of sexual assault and abuse.
Hargitay also reveals that she downplayed her experience, even telling her husband, Peter Hermann, that "it wasn't rape" because it happened at the hands of someone she knew and was not a stranger.
However, those close to her advised her to say what it was rape.
"Then things started shifting in me, and I began talking about it more in earnest with those closest to me," she says. "They were the first ones to call it what it was. They were gentle and kind and careful, but their naming it was important. It wasn’t a confrontation, like 'You need to deal with what happened,' it was more like looking at it in the light of day: 'Here is what it means when someone rapes another person, so on your own time, it could be useful to compare that to what was done to you.' Then I had my own realization. My own reckoning."
For 25 years, Hargitay has played Captain Olivia Benson on SVU, a woman who's dedicated her career to helping victims of special crimes like the one she experienced in her personal life. Hargitay says that survivors often share with her how she's helped them, but in reality, they have done the same for her.
"Survivors who've watched the show have told me I've helped them and given them strength. But they're the ones who've been a source of strength for me," she says. "They've experienced darkness and cruelty, an utter disregard for another human being, and they’ve done what they needed to survive. For some, that means making Olivia Benson a big part of their lives—which is an honor beyond measure—for others, it means building a foundation. We’re strong, and we find a way through."
Almost three decades after the sexual assault incident -- and ahead of her 60th birthday -- Hargitay says that she knows what justice looks like for her.
"For me, I want an acknowledgment and an apology," she writes. 'I'm sorry for what I did to you. I raped you. I am without excuse.' That is a beginning. I don't know what is on the other side of it, and it won’t undo what happened, but I know it plays a role in how I will work through this."
While this part of her story is "painful," the mother-of-three says that she will not let it define her.
"This is a painful part of my story,"' she notes. "The experience was horrible. But it doesn’t come close to defining me, in the same way that no other single part of my story defines me. No single part of anyone’s story defines them."
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or go to thehotline.org. All calls are toll-free and confidential.
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