The actress and activist talks to ET about giving fans an intimate look into her life in her upcoming memoir, 'Thicker Than Water.'
Kerry Washington wasn't always sure she wanted to bare her most profound secrets to the world, but she doesn't regret it.
In her emotionally charged new memoir, Thicker Than Water, the 46-year-old actress delves into the most intimate details of the world she's kept private as she explores her career trajectory and her upbringing.
"I think every day I sat down to write, I thought, 'What am I doing?' because I've been so private. But it just felt like if I was gonna tell this story I wanted to tell enough of the story to feel as true as possible," the Scandal star tells ET's Rachel Smith at a book signing at Kips Bay Boys & Girls Club Gymnasium, in her hometown of Bronx, New York, on Saturday.
"I was really, I think in a lot of ways, just trying to make sense of my journey, so the parts that I'm sharing are the parts that I think are important to put the puzzle pieces together," she says.
Thicker Than Water is a startlingly intimate view into the beloved artist and activist's private world, which she previously kept quiet as she evolved from breakout star to leading lady and powerhouse multihyphenate. The memoir chronicles Washington's struggles with disordered eating, suicidal thoughts, learning that her dad isn't her biological father, having an abortion and childhood trauma.
In an interview that aired on Sunday with Good Morning America's Robin Roberts on ABC, the Scandal star unpacked several of the biggest revelations in her memoir, including the truth of her paternity and her battles with body image and an eating disorder.
"I've never wanted to share my private life for the sake of fame or for the sake of attention," Washington told Roberts in their sit-down talk. "But I feel like this sharing is with purpose."
Reflecting on her time in college, she recounted how she secretly suffered from an eating disorder that led to starvation, binge eating, obsession with her body and compulsive exercise. The mother of three explained that she was able to hide and mask her eating disorder by still showing up and being successful, especially when it came to balancing partying and good grades.
"I was good at performing perfect," the actress admitted. "I was good at control. I could party all night and drink and smoke and have sex, and still show up the next day and have good grades."
She added, "I knew how to manage. I was so high-functioning and the food took me out. Like, the body dysmorphia, the body hatred, it was beyond my control. And really led me to feeling like I need help from somebody or something bigger than me or I am in trouble. Because I don't know how to live with this and I could feel how the abuse was a way to hurt myself, as if I didn't want to really be here and it scared me that I could not want to be here, because I was in so much pain."
To ET, Washington says that her relationship with food and her body is still ever-evolving, but in a better place than when she was in school.
"I've learned, for me, food is one of the tools I pick up sometimes to feel better that may not be a great tool or it may not be an effective tool," she shares. "I've learned to have other tools in my toolbox, but that sometimes still comes up as an option. So, I think my relationship with my food and my body is ever-evolving; it's a place [where] I do a lot of work because I want to have a lot of peace in that area, but I think some days are better than others. But no days are as bad as they used to be."
Reflecting on her tumultuous and emotional journey through childhood and adolescence, the actress muses on how her memoir became about more than providing readers with an intimate look into her public and private worlds; it became a journey of self-realization for the Little Fires Everywhere star.