The Bravo series' 11th season premiered earlier this week, with a large focus on Rachel's cheating scandal.
Rachel Leviss is content in her decision to not return to Vanderpump Rules. On the latest episode of her Rachel Goes Rogue podcast, the VPR alum revealed why she was ultimately glad that she decided not to come back for the Bravo series' 11th season after her affair with Tom Sandoval.
"I am watching this show and I'm really having to accept the fact that I'm not on it this season," Rachel said of tuning in for the show's season premiere earlier this week. "That was a decision that I really had a lot of weight in making. I didn't take that lightly, and so it's almost like a part of me [is] grieving what could have been in a different parallel timeline. But I do think of that I made the right decision by not going back."
While Rachel admitted that there is "a little fomo" not seeing herself on screen, she ultimately "kept thinking, 'Oh my gosh, I'm so happy that I'm not part of this.'"
"When I watch it, I'm just happy that I'm not in it. I'm so happy that I've been able to find more peace in my life and my day-to-day is stable and as serene as it could be in this stage in my life, I believe," she said. "... I do worry about things that are going to come up this season, but I'm just happy that I'm not in it."
VPR's season 11 premiere brought up a lot of feelings for Rachel, including regret over her past behavior. That largely came up when Ariana Madix -- the woman Tom had been a nine-year relationship with when he and Rachel began their affair -- mentioned that her ex and former friend were still exchanging mail and gifts, even after their romance came to life.
"It was hard to see because I'm in a different place than I was back then. It's a weird time warp when you're watching a show like this and living one reality in that moment, and then months later when the episodes are airing, you're living in another reality, but you're also reliving those moments that they captured on camera," Rachel explained. "And so it's a nod to my younger self who was still in love and infatuated."
"I feel like, with my apology that I made at the reunion, I had all the right intentions and I was extremely sorry, but there's another part of an apology, which is your actions afterwards, they have to align with what you're saying," she acknowledged. "By sending him letters and being in contact for a good amount of time, I still want to take this time now to apologize again because I am in a different place than I was back then, and I can see things a lot clearer now... I recognize that my behavior was so hurtful to her."
It was also hard seeing both Ariana and Scheana Shay on the show, two women Rachel once considered her friends.
"I think that I have a lot more resentment toward Scheana, so I think the thorn for me is just seeing Scheana's face. I'm working through that," Rachel said. "... I don't want to always feel that way when I look at her, but I guess right now, it's not an enjoyable thing for me."
Then there's Lala Kent, who shocked both viewers and her VPR castmates when she reached out to Rachel amid the height of Scandoval. While Lala said that her past tumultuous relationship gave her empathy for Rachel, the latter woman said she doesn't "trust" the former one.
"I did listen to it when I got out of [the treatment facility]," Rachel said of the voice memo Lala sent via Instagram. "I immediately just felt like I didn't trust Lala and her intentions, but as I'm watching this season and this episode, immediately I was like, 'Oh, she did it on camera. OK, that makes a lot of sense'... Just knowing that she didn't reach out to me on her own time, and it not being related to the show and filming, tells me everything that I need to know."
As for Tom, he appeared in only the final shot of the episode. However, he recently spoke to The Viall Files podcast about Scandoval, and Rachel was not impressed by his characterization of their relationship.
"The way he was describing it really made it sound like I was the temptress and that it was this seduction that he fell into," she said. "I can take ownership of my part in that because, yeah, it was a choice that we made every day and it was a really bad decision, but it just felt like he was putting a lot on me, saying it was my fault for seducing him, which I don't think is right."
It's for that reason, among others, that Rachel said she'll never have a relationship with Tom again.
"The amount of times that Tom called me selfish while I was in [treatment], and [said] that I'm running away from my problems, and that I'm dependent on this place that's basically an assisted living facility, really guilt-tripping me, and saying that I left him to deal with all the fodder and I'm just running away, that just reveals the type of person that he is," Rachel explained. "Knowing how important mental health has become in my life and how much of a priority that is to me, there's no question that Tom and I will never ever be friends again."
When Tom spoke to ET ahead of VPR's season 11 premiere, though, he insisted he'd changed since his cheating scandal.
"Going through that has really helped me put in perspective things that are really important," he said. "[It] helped me grow, as far as prioritizing certain things. And [it] really just put me to the test to see what I'm made of."
Season 11 of Vanderpump Rules airs Tuesdays on Bravo.
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