The GRAMMY winner also opens up about self-pleasure and feeling outed last year.
Billie Eilish is speaking out about her sexuality in a way she never has before. The 22-year-old GRAMMY winner is preparing for the release of her third album, Hit Me Hard and Soft, on May 17, and with it comes a new, racy song, "Lunch," about her crushing on a girl.
"That song was actually part of what helped me become who I am, to be real,” Eilish says in a new Rolling Stone cover story. "I wrote some of it before even doing anything with a girl, and then wrote the rest after."
The singer, who has not officially put a label on her sexuality, adds, "I’ve been in love with girls for my whole life, but I just didn’t understand -- until, last year, I realized I wanted my face in a vagina. I was never planning on talking about my sexuality ever, in a million years. It’s really frustrating to me that it came up."
The frustration came after an interview with Variety and subsequent red carpet moment, which discussed her attraction to women.
At the time, Eilish posted a response on Instagram, writing, "Thanks Variety for my award and also outing me on a red carpet at 11 a.m. instead of talking about anything else that matters. I like boys and girls leave me alone about it please literally who cares."
In her Rolling Stone profile, she reflects on the 2023 moment, saying, "I know everybody’s been thinking this about me for years and years, but I’m only figuring out myself now."
One practice that has helped Eilish to understand her sexuality and her body more is the act of self-pleasure.
"Self-pleasure is an enormous, enormous part of my life, and a huge, huge help for me," she explains. "People should be jerking it, man. I can’t stress it enough, as somebody with extreme body issues and dysmorphia that I’ve had my entire life."
She says the process has been helpful to "loving myself and accepting myself."
Part of that journey also came with forming close friendships for the first time.
"I used to be so obsessed with this mysteriousness, and I think that's 100 percent why I didn't make any friends, because I didn't want anyone to know me, because I wanted everyone to think of me as this mysterious, cool person," Eilish admits. "I loved the idea of people feeling that way."
She shares that her 20th birthday party, which was comprised of her employees, was a wakeup call.
"I was like, 'Oh, s**t, I literally don't have friends. I don't have people that see me as an equal. I don't have people who aren't afraid of me,'" she reflects, sharing that she went on to form close friendships with Zoë Kravitz and Hailey Bieber.
Eilish's new album has been a return journey to the girl she felt she was in 2019's hit album, When We Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?.
"This whole process has felt like I'm coming back to the girl that I was. I've been grieving her," Eilish shares. "I've been looking for her in everything, and it's almost like she got drowned by the world and the media. I don't remember when she went away."
Eilish says that her transformation into a blonde bombshell for Happier Than Ever left her feeling unrecognizable to herself.
"I dyed my hair blonde and I immediately was like, 'Oh, I have no idea who I am,'" she confides.
As for her own attitude and mental health, Eilish tells the magazine that she's "never" considered herself a "happy person."
"I've been a joyous person, but not a happy person," she explains. "I experience joy and laughter and I can find fun in things, but I'm a depressed person. I've suffered with a lot of depression my whole life."
It's been a big year for Eilish and her brother and collaborator, Finneas. The two took home GRAMMYs and an Oscar for their hit song, "What Was I Made For?," off the Barbie soundtrack.
ET spoke with the duo at this year's Oscars prior to their win.
"I'm not Barbie. Margot [Robbie] is Barbie," she told ET at the time. "Skipper is a G! I am giving a little librarian thing, and I am happy about it."
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