'Bachelor in Paradise' Premiere: Caelynn Has Explosive Meltdown Over Blake Two-Timing Her With Kristina

Promo time, and it's pretty good. 

Jordan Kimball is here, JPJ gets some action, and Hannah makes a surprise appearance. 

On the beach is Mike (!!!), and Chris and Krystal get married. Demi connects with a woman, Dylan falls in love with Hannah, and Caelynn breaks down over Blake drama. 

Hannah makes out with multiple guys and Dylan cries over it. Derek has a meltdown over JPJ confronting him, and a real life fight breakouts on in Paradise. Enter security! 

"More drama and more crying than ever before," Chris promises. WE. ARE. HERE. FOR. IT! (But we're not here for JPJ blowing his nose.) 

Looks like we'll get a happy ending or a few, with three proposals teased! Ow ow!

"I know what happened with him and Caelynn. I honestly thought he'd have more respect for me... it's a slap in the face to me," Kristina tells the camera. "So today, I'm going to make Blake my b**ch!" 

Much to our surprise, Kristina asks Blake on her date -- but apparently, she's got a strategy. 

"I can't believe they're going on a date," Caelynn says. "I'm confused, I'm pissed, I'm like, I don't know." 

Onyeka's got a "front row" to the drama, and so do we.

Blake tells the guys that he and Kristina dated "six or seven months ago," but that it ended amicably. 

Kristina then heads over to Blake to clear the air. Caelynn tells Sydney what happened, and we're loving it. "I get it, explore your options, but also, respect me," she tells the camera. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. 

Sydney admits she was intrigued by Blake, but isn't feeling it anymore. She tells it like it is. 

Caelynn is freaking out but Cam, oblivious to the situation, tries to take Kristina away for a chat. 

"Where's your accent [from], by the way?" he asks, and we're LOSING OUR MINDS. 

"I think she's going to make an amazing mom," he tells the camera. PLS STOP. 

The ladies notice Cam going for it, but Demi points out that she's heard rumors about Kristina and Blake. "I don't know if he's still into Kristina, but they definitely had a past," Hannah notes. 

Blake's face when Kristina arrives is the greatest thing we've ever seen. Horror, despair and complete panic. We're obsessed. 

"He treats girls like scum!" Caelynn says. "[What he did to] Kristina, that's f**ked up!" 

Enter Kristina, who is ready to stir sh*t up. 

Chris reminds us all that Kristina's previous Paradise love triangle with Dean Unglert and Danielle Lombard didn't end well. But this time, Kristina is ready to take control. She starts by telling Chris all about the Blake drama. 

"He was with you one night and he was with Caelynn the very next night?" Chris asks, acting shocked, but we're convinced he already knew. 

"I guarantee if he's here, I will be having a conversation with him," Kristina says. With that, she gets a date card. 

The next day, Tayshia raves about her date with Blake. "I am a little bit [smitten]," she tells Nicole and Sydney. "It was really good."

Caelynn FINALLY tells someone else about her Blake drama, and she chooses Onyeka, who isn't afraid to throw down, so we're not mad about it. 

"He f**ked you and Kristina in the same weekend?" Onyeka asks. 

"Like, 24 hours apart," Caelynn confirms. 

"Did he even shower in between them? Mr. Perfect isn't so perfect!" Onyeka reacts. 

"He said it was a mistake… I'd rather it just be out in the open… I'm not ashamed," Caelynn says. YES, GIRL, PREACH! GET IT OUT ON THE OPEN. LET'S HEAR IT ALL! 

After his makeout session with Hannah, Dylan is feeling like he's on cloud nine. 

"Blake blew it!" he says. "Thanks, Blake!" 

Dylan admits he's not too bold with girls, but it seems Wells' advice worked. He asks Hannah to go have a chat, and "goes for it." 

"Do you feel nervous around me?" she asks him, and Dylan confesses he does. 

They talk about how awkward they are, and it's adorable. They're clearly connecting, and then Dylan makes the smooth move of telling Hannah there's a pesky pillow in between them. he moves in, and she goes in for the kiss. 

Derek asks Demi if she's into "eyebrow stuff," and she is. So, they head into the hot tub. 

"I'm testing the waters. Flash to me in the hot tub with Derek, frenchin'!" Demi says. OK. 

"I've had some fun with Derek tonight. He's a sweet, sweet man, and I feel good when I'm around him. Derek is a good kisser, and I love it," she adds. "I do think that Derek's sexy. I'm having a lot of fun." 

Blake and Tayshia kiss in the hot tub, but Caelynn's out for blood. 

"He's a sh**ty guy," she says. 

Caelynn finally tells the whole story about Blake as she confides in Wells at the bar. 

"Every girl's like, 'I love Blake. I love Blake. I love Blake.' And it's like, 'If you only knew, like, who this guy is. I fell for his trap, too. I thought he was a great guy and we really had something. We talked about skipping Paradise and coming out with us," Caelynn says. She and Blake were apparently set up by Colton Underwood earlier this year, and talked back and forth for months. "And then he ghosted me, just like, fully stopped communication."

"Then we saw each other at a music festival, he ended up sweet-talking me, and we spent the night together. We wake up, I'm in his bed, and he's like, DMing Hannah G.," Caelynn continues, as Wells' jaw drops. "I'm still in his bed, and he's talking about how hot Tayshia is...I was like, 'Are you kidding me? No, dude. That's not OK. Then he's like, 'I just want to let you know I hooked up with Kristina the night before."

At this point, Wells has to call it like he sees it. "This the worst morning-after story I've ever heard," he declares. "This is so sad!"

Caelynn's story didn't end there. "He calls me two weeks ago and is like, 'No one can know about us. We've got to lie. We've got to lie our asses off in Paradise.' I'm like, 'I'm not going to lie. If it comes up, it comes up. I'm not going to lie!'" she insists. "He wants to protect his image." 

Tayshia is giddy over her date with Blake as they walk into a dinner surrounded by lights. 

"Here's to second chances and to finding what we're looking for," Blake toasts. 

Tayshia admits she was shocked to get asked out. "I appreciate that," she says. 

Blake asks Tayshia what she's looking for in a relationship, and she says she wants a cheerleader, and someone to have a family with. 

"I want kids," Blake says. "It's something I want." 

Next up? Greatest fears, and for Tayshia, it's rejection "All of us have been rejected, or we wouldn't be here," Blake reminds her. "If you can love the wrong person that much, how much will you be able to love the right person?" 

Tayshia's all ready for her date, and wearing hot pink. Hannah says she doesn't feel good about it. "[He's] somebody that I've been really looking forward to getting to know for a few months," she says -- but she doesn't know that HE'S BEEN WANTING TO GET TO KNOW TAYSHIA TOO. 

Dylan, however, is a happy camper, because he gets to spend more time with Hannah. 

Caelynn's here with more about Blake. "Before Paradise, Blake and I, we hooked up, and he wants no one to know! He blamed me, and that hurt me, and I'm done lying to protect him, because secrets suck!" she says. YES, THEY DO. SO LAY IT ALL OUT THERE PLEASE!!!

Hannah says she'd be excited to explore something with Blake. "I would love to go on a date with him," she gushes. 

With that, Blake has made his decision. "Tayshia, wonder if you'd like to go on a date with me," he says -- to the shock of the rest of the cast. 

Everyone's wondering who Blake will take on his date, but he's got just a few options. He's into Hannah G., and Dylan is sad. 

"I had a feeling Hannah would be here, and she was pretty much the only girl I wanted to meet," he says. "Right off the bat, I feel like we vibed." 

Wells tells Dylan that he should remind Hannah that he wants to hang out with her. "I don't see myself with anyone else here in Paradise besides Hannah, but Blake got the date card," Dylan says. "I'm kind of sad about it, but I can't really do anything about it." 

The first date goes to... Blake, because of course it does. 

"I honestly didn't expect this," he says. 

Caelynn is mad. "With Blake, I was fully, fully played, and he hurt me... Blake only cares about himself, and I'm hopeful that another girl doesn't get hurt the same way I did," she tells the camera. 

The guys and girls separate as they talk about their options. 

Annaliese is already talking about how Angela and Clay aren't over each other, but the women have their eyes on another guy: Blake. Caelynn stays silent. 

"Blake sucks," she tells the camera. She thought they were exclusive, but Blake did "horrible things" to her, and she's pissed. Let's hear it, girl!!

Sleuth Annaliese saw Blake run away, and we're ready to hear that tea! 

Chris arrives to greet the group. "Some new faces... some experienced faces," he says, pointing out Annaliese and Chris Bukowski. "The rules are simple. Be in a committed relationship, or go home... use your time wisely." 

He reminds us of the recent Paradise success stories, and shares that this week, the guys will be handing out the roses. The dates start tonight!

Cue Caelynn, who is here with the drama we love and need. 

"Blake's not my favorite person," she tells Chris. "It didn't [end well]." 

Blake is already charming Hannah G., but Caelynn's about to set everything ablaze. "If he is here, I just want to clear it up, and I'm hopeful Blake will man up," she tells the camera. 

Blake loses his sh*t when Caelynn arrives. "Oh f**k," he says, hiding out. 

Bibiana and Clay come in next, and Jane is ready to drown herself just so Clay can come save her. We appreciate that analogy, and that's how we felt too, before hearing Annaliese's story. 

Annaliese reveals that Clay JUST broke up with Angela, and told her that he couldn't imagine looking at another girl just yet. But here he is, in Paradise. 

So far, no drama, though. We'll see how long that lasts. 

Derek and Demi connect, and he's totally into her. 

Then Chris Bukowski hits the beach. "I was a big fan of yours growing up," Cam says. We actually appreciated that joke. 

Jane comes in next, and we've already forgotten her after her sriracha-eating intro. But she's here and looking forward to eating tacos all the time. 

Annaliese is next, and we actually hope she finds love this year after she was done dirty by that guy whose name we can't remember from last season. He was a model. That's all we've got. 

John Paul Jones is here -- or as Chris Harrison calls him in Mexico, Juan Pablo Jones. (We really didn't need a Juan Pablo flashback, but it might be Chris' best line of the night.)

JPJ is, true to form, wearing a Speedo, and we're 100 percent here for it. Onyeka tries to chat him up first, telling him about how she tries to avoid conflict (she's got JOKES!). "I get along with everyone," she declares. 

JPJ, back up from a hair flip, says she seems "cool." But she's definitely in the friend zone. 

Oh, and by the way, he's already staring at himself in the cameras. WE CAN'T TAKE IT. WE LOVE IT. 

Cam is already weirding the women out. "Let's fast forward and say we have a daughter," he tells Tayshia during a walk on the beach. 

Kevin denies him a hug as he arrives to save Tayshia from the awkwardness and we're laughing so hard. 

The ladies are already calling Cam "Cheetah Girl," and we don't know how well that's going to go for him. 

"Cam has good taste in bad clothing," Kevin tells the camera. "If I was at a strip club, I would picture him as the lead DJ of the night." 

Cam is already "insulting" women by asking if they're wearing colored contacts and making a weird reference to fake boobs. Demi's not having it. 

Cam tries his luck with the guys, but they all bounce as soon as he comes over. 

Just as the guys start b**ching about Cam, he arrives on the beach. 

"I'm just going to be myself," he tells Chris. And by the way, he's wearing a LEOPARD PRINT SHIRT. Interesting choice. "Only strategy is Always Beached Cam," he declares. 

Derek's "douchebag meter" goes off -- and Cam seems to have done it. 

Demi is here and she's ready to be open. Derek is already into her, and while we don't really see them together WHO KNOWS. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN PARADISE! 

Then Onyeka comes down the stairs with her bullhorn. Kevin notices how "loud" she is. Ha!

Wills is here, and he thinks Hannah is one of the most beautiful woman "to ever grace the show." He's got plans to pull her aside and chat, but Blake gets to her first. 

She tells Blake all about herself while Wills is seemingly still in his confessional. "I'm thinking nothing but positive thoughts," he insists. 

And then we get the first mention of the famous Stagecoach incident with Blake -- more on that later. 

Kevin arrives, and he's a lot more buff than he was on Hannah's season -- and shows Chris just how much he's been working out.

He takes off his shirt and shows off his lack of a tan. "I'm like Dracula's second-born child," Kevin says. "It's bad." 

The ladies love Kevin, however, and he connects with Katie over how proportional her body is. OK. 

Sydney's into Derek. "He's definitely not a baby-faced Colton," she says. AND WE LOVE IT. TELL US HOW YOU REALLY FEEL, GIRL. 

Tayshia walks down the steps next, and Derek's into it. "She's so beautiful," he marvels. "She's definitely got my eye." 

Derek and Tayshia seem to connect over a quick conversation, and Sydney, whose hair looks FLAWLESS, realizes she's going to have to speak up. 

Blake and Hannah bond a bit, and then Katie shows up. We love her and she's adorable and she's loving the vibe so far as much as we are. 

Dylan -- who basically already professed his love for Hannah to ET -- shows up on the beach. "I think they're both really cute," Katie tells Hannah. "How's my hair?" 

Hannah's into it too. "No one else needs to come to Paradise. We're good," Katie says. Then Sydney walks in. 

Next up is Blake, who tells Chris he was still "healing" from his breakup with Becca last summer, but he's ready now to find somebody. "Hopefully Paradise has that," he says. "I have met, along the way, women from Colton's season and past seasons." 

Lets see how that plays out, Blake... 

With that, its finally time to hit the beach. "Who will find the love of their life? Who will leave heartbroken and in tears?" Chris asks. "Let the journey begin!" 

Hannah G. is first on the beach, and she doesn't know what to do except for marvel at the beach. "I feel starstruck by Paradise. It's beautiful!"

Clay is back, fresh off his breakup from Angela, and ready to meet Nicole... yes, that Nicole. 

"I'm definitely known as the girl who cried a lot and had a fight at the end with Onyeka," Nicole says in her video, as she packs her tissues for Paradise. 

Next up: Chris Bukowski, who is back after Emily's season of The Bachelorette, Bachelor Pad, Andi's season of The Bachelorette, and seasons 1 and 2 of Bachelor in Paradise. "I'm coming out of retirement," he says -- and he's ready to find love.

"I have been seeing someone," Demi tells Hannah Brown. "Plot twist, it happens to be a woman."

"I feel like I don't have to proclaim I am gay, I am straight, I'm bisexual… I like who I like," she explains, noting they fell head over heels for each other, but they're not exclusively together. 

Demi is looking forward to getting to know herself better in Paradise, and we're here for it. 

Hannah G. is up next, and she's journaling after her breakup from Colton. She's a "different woman" and packing a lei. "I'm a little nervous... to put myself out there again, but I'm ready," she says. 

Demi's intro video is exactly what we needed. "Hey, it's Demi from Demi's season of The Bachelor, and I'm back!" she says. Since the show, a lot has changed for her... let's find out what. 

Katie's done some "intel" on the guys, but one man she's not looking forward to meeting is Cam. "A no from me, dog!" she says. 

Cue Cam's intro video, and he's.... rapping. "Demi is a goddess, Hannah is a G, they don't need a pity rose from Mike or Luke P.," he raps. Pass. 

Next we get Jane, who left on night one of Colton's season. She says she's anything "but plain." And now she's brushing her teeth with sriracha. Lord help us. 

Chris Harrison is on the beach, telling us all about the drama that's about to ensue when the cast hits the beach. 

We first get Tayshia's intro video, as her dad hilariously tells her she better wear a turtle neck. Missed you, bro! 

Next up is Blake, whose video of him crying in a towel after getting dumped by Becca is exactly what we needed to see. Blake is ready to give love another shot, and he's shirtless, so we believe it. He wants to be open and honest, but we already know from the promos that it doesn't exactly go that way. 

The episode starts with tears, drama and a whole lot of love. 

Hannah's in a love decagon, JPJ is crying and we're ready for it.