Holker spoke about her late husband's legacy in her first TV interview since his death in December.
Allison Holker has had good days and bad since the untimely death of her beloved late husband, Stephen "tWitch" Boss, but she's doing her best to move forward for her family.
In her first TV interview since Boss' death in December, the former So You Think You Can Dance star told TODAY's Hoda Kotb that she feels "like the rest of the world where I'm still shocked."
"No one's ready for that moment and there's no one that saw this coming. No one -- and that breaks my heart too," she adds.
In December, Boss -- who rose to fame as the DJ on Ellen DeGeneres' daytime talk show before co-executive producing her final seasons -- died by suicide. ET learned that Boss left a note behind indicating he couldn't go on anymore. The news shocked the world and his peers, a feeling which still lingers for Holker as she tries to keep steady for their children.
Boss and Holker shared three children together -- her 14-year-old daughter, Weslie, whom Boss adopted, their son Maddox, 7, and daughter Zaia, 3. The dancer told Kotb that she tries to stay strong for the kids, but also for herself and the rest of the world.
"I don't really have any other choice but to be strong," she admitted, tearing up. "Now, they still see me have my highs and lows because there's a lot of it. All I can do is just try to move forward. It's honestly something I wouldn't wish for anybody. It's really hard. But if I've learned anything, it's that communication is key."
"There's been some really hard conversations. To us, Daddy's in the stars. So we can go outside and talk to him whenever we want," she explained, sharing that conversations are particularly hard with her two younger children, whose grasp on the finality of their father's death is tenuous. "They just ask, 'When is daddy coming back?' and that's a really hard one. And then it'll be a couple weeks later, 'But does he come back when he's older? Like, when Daddy's older he'll come back?' They are still children and still obviously want him here."
Holker shares that she seeks solace by speaking to Boss every night, whether it's recalling the events of her days or going "a little bit deeper, little more heavy."
"I don't allow myself to be in a place of anger or sadness, though I allow myself to feel it. I'm feeling this much pain because I've had so much love," she said.
Holker also broke down during the interview when reflecting on her relationship with Boss.
"And I think that's the hardest part about all this. The way we loved was so big,” she said, getting visibly emotional. "I got 13 years with one of the most magical humans and I learned so much about love and gratitude."
What the dancer is doing with her pain is helping others who are struggling in silence like her late husband was. She and her family have partnered with their local branch of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, called Nami Westside L.A. running programs at the Boys & Girls Clubs of America. Earlier this year, she launched the Move with Kindness Foundation in his honor to support mental health initiatives.
"What I really would love is to bring awareness to mental health, open up the conversations, but to hopefully help people to feel comfortable asking for that help," Holker shared. "I really do wanna make an impact on behalf of someone I love so much."
The mother of three previously told People that her desire is to encourage those struggling with their mental health to seek out help when they need it.
"We always hear, 'Reach out to the strongest people,' and I believe in that. But I also want the messaging to be that if you're feeling low or depressed, it's okay to lean on someone else," she said. "Trust that people are still going to see you as that light even in your darkest moments."
She revealed that since her husband's death, she's had people reach out because of affected they've been by his passing. "I've had so many people -- specifically men -- reaching out to me, [saying] how they were so affected because they didn't realize how much they were holding on to and not expressing," she shared. "I found that to be a lot to hold on to at first, but then I realized I want people to feel safe talking to me and to open up and understand that we have to support each other in these moments."
"I could allow myself to go to a really dark place right now, and that would be valid and fine," she adds. "But I want to choose a different way for myself and the kids."
If you or someone you know needs help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. You can also call the network, previously known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 800-273-8255, text HOME to 741741 or visit SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for additional resources.
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