The dancer opens up about how she's moving forward one year after the tragic loss of her husband.
Allison Holker is keeping the door open for love after loss. The widow of Stephen "tWitch" Boss shares her perspective on dating again in a new podcast interview.
"It was very hard for me to learn to like myself again and to learn to love myself again," Holker said in the latest episode of Nick Viall's The Viall Files. "And then also, could I like someone else again? Could I love someone else again while I still like someone and love someone else?"
She added, "It's a very complex situation I've found myself in."
It's been one year since Holker's husband died by suicide. The couple had been married for nine years at the time of Boss' death.
Answering a question regarding her current stance on romance, Holker seemed hesitant but hopeful about the idea.
"At the end of the day, I love life. So would I shy away from it? No. Am I looking for it? I don't know," she admitted. "I am just such a lover of life and experience and adventure and I still find that the world is such a beautiful place, and there's so much to be experienced. So to what kind of capacity, what that looks like, I don't know."
She added, "Life and love is just something I've always believed in."
Still, Holker said that moving forward in her life has been a challenging road.
"I had so many dark spaces I was in, that I had to be in for so many reasons, and I had to work through all these different processes of all these different things, but I have," she shared. "I've worked through them and we'll see what happens."
Holker shares three children with her late husband -- Weslie, 15, Maddox, 7, Zaia, 3.
In a recent interview with ET, the So You Think You Can Dance judge revealed that she didn't dance for months after the family's tragic loss.
"I didn't dance for I wanna say almost five months after [Boss' death]. It took me a long time," Holker shared with ET. "That was something that was just so close, obviously, to each and every memory I really share with Stephen. It kind of crosses the area of our life individually, and especially together. There was parts of me that didn't know if I was ready. It almost felt like, maybe if I dance for the first time it's my final release of him. I don't know if I was trying to hold onto him or if I was scared to share that with him. I'm not sure which one it was, but it took me a very long time to do it."
"I will say, I called my friend Brittany Russell and I was like, 'I think I'm ready to dance,' but I didn't want to do it alone. I was too scared to do it alone," she continued. "I called her... She came over and we danced."
Once Holker danced for the first time after her husband's death, she felt like she "got so much off of me."
"I actually felt so connected to Stephen. I felt so connected to myself and to him and my home," she said. "... It just took me a second to get there, but... it, for me, was healing. It gave me a sense of remembering who I am and who I still can be."
Holker's new book, Keep Dancing Through: A Boss Family Groove, is now available to purchase wherever books are sold.
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