The expectant mother is navigating the conflicting emotions of 'overwhelming joy' over the baby news and 'profound sorrow' over her traumatizing past experience.
Melissa Rauch is expressing emotions only those that share her tragic experience can truly know.
The Big Bang Theory star revealed that she and husband Winston are expecting their first child in a touching piece in Glamour on Tuesday, where she candidly navigates the inner conflict of knowing that her previous pregnancy ended in miscarriage.
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"Here is the only statement regarding my pregnancy that doesn’t make me feel like a complete fraud," the 37-year-old actress writes. "'Melissa is expecting her first child. She is extremely overjoyed, but if she’s being honest, due to the fact that she had a miscarriage the last time she was pregnant, she’s pretty much terrified at the moment that it will happen again. She feels weird even announcing this at all, and would rather wait until her child heads off to college to tell anyone, but she figures she should probably share this news before someone sees her waddling around with her mid-section protruding and announces it first.'"
During the thoughtful essay, Rauch also explains how trauma that women like her go through is exacerbated by the fact that the subject is not at all easy to talk about.
"The miscarriage I experienced was one of the most profound sorrows I have ever felt in my life," she shares. "What I realized ... is that because this kind of loss is not openly talked about nearly as much as it should be, there really is no template for how to process these emotions."
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Additionally, she notes that the guilt she experienced is built right into the word itself.
"'Miscarriage' by the way, deserves to be ranked as one of the worst, most blame-inducing medical terms ever," she says. "To me, it immediately conjures up an implication that it was the woman’s fault, like she somehow 'mishandled the carrying of this baby.' F that so hard, right in its patriarchal nut-sack."
Rauch then closes out the story by reaching out to others who have felt the same pain.
"All I really know for sure is that this experience has changed me forever. I know it’s made me grateful for every moment of my current pregnancy, and I hope it will make me a better mother in some capacity when I can finally hold the child that has been in my heart in my arms," she writes. "To all the women out there who are dealing with fertility issues, have gone through a miscarriage or are going through the pain of it currently, allow me to leave you with this message: You are not alone. And, it is perfectly OK to not be OK right now.
Read the entire brave essay here.
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