How did Cindy Crawford, Lena Dunham, and Selena Gomez fare?
Taylor Swift isn’t the only one with beef in her “Bad Blood” music video -- she rounded up a who’s who of Hollywood to take on her nemesis. (Selena Gomez in the video, apparently Katy Perry IRL.) The video is Sin City meets Minority Report meets Fight Club meets just awesomeness in general.
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It’s also everything we want out of an action movie these days -- which is why we’re sad it’s only four minutes. “Bad Blood” is jam packed with badass ladies. Below, we’ve ranked each and every character, based on how much they kick ass and how fierce they look doing it:
18. Domino (Jessica Alba)
If we wanted to see Tron, we would have seen Tron. (We didn’t, and we didn’t.)
17. Slay-Z (Gigi Hadid)
Her posing may be fierce, but we don’t get to see any of the ass-kickery that got Slay-Z into the squad. Also, it doesn’t appear that she knows how to use that compact slash ninja stars thingie. Bonus points for having a bulldog sidekick though.
16. The Trinity (Hailee Steinfeld)
Why do they look so concerned?! Bitches, don’t kill our vibe.
15. Homeslice (Martha Hunt)
Tarantino would be proud.
14. Headmistress (Cindy Crawford)
She doesn’t do much, but...it’s Cindy Crawford. That catwalk down the hallway and nod of approval is enough to place her higher than half the chicks on this list.
13. Welvin Da Great (Kendrick Lamar)
We’re happy Taylor and Kendrick finally teamed up on something -- since they are such big fans of each other -- but why did Kendrick steal all her verses? We would have liked at least one of Taylor’s verses from the original song to stay in the remix. Alas, unlucky No. 13.
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12. Dilemma (Serayah)
Can we make another request? A Taylor Swift-Serayah duet? Please? Then the music video is Dilemma and Catastrophe going on another mission together?
11. Lucky Fiori (Lena Dunham)
In any other video, that baller puff of cigar smoke would be enough to crack the Top 10. Unfortunately for Lucky, this video has too much baller-ness in it. Also, we’re not sure exactly what she does. Is she some sort of head honcho? Or a computer tech? Or does she do something else, and was just taking her smoke break when this was all going down?
10. Catastrophe (Taylor Swift)
Without Catastrophe, we’d never meet any of the others!
9. Frostbyte (Lily Aldridge)
You automatically get cool points for being able to control the weather. (Which we assume Frostbyte can, and if she can’t, don’t tell us because we like it better this way.) You get even more cool points for wielding a Kusarigama, a unique weapon amongst guns and knives.
7 & 8. Justice & Luna (Mariska Hargitay & Ellen Pompeo)
It’s a tie! This video has every hot 20-something imaginable in it, but this was the moment that made us say “YAAAS!” If they made a movie out of the “Bad Blood,” we’d be begging for a prequel about Justice and Luna and how they became assassins/spies/superheroes/whatever the squad actually is, and their adventures together.
6. Mother Chucker (Cara Delevingne)
When you have nearly two dozen girls to roll call in mere minutes, screen time has to be limited. Still, Cara was criminally underused in the video. But we liked what we saw. She’s also one of the only girls who actually looks like she could hold her own in a fight.
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5. Arsyn (Selena Gomez)
The only thing worse than that wig was her sense of loyalty. A perfect villain.
4. Destructa X (Ellie Goulding)
Destructa X is a loose cannon -- pun intended. She shoots off a rocket launcher INDOORS. That’s not safe! She seems like she’s having a blast though! And so are we!
3. Cut-Throat (Zendaya)
It’s unfair to the other girls how much awesomeness Zendaya got in this. She gets to throw knives at teddy bears (chills from all the fierceness) and slice and dice with knives on her feet like in Kingsman: The Secret Service (even chillier). This is the definition of slaying.
2. The Crimson Curse (Hayley Williams)
She’s got next level ninja moves and literally laughs in the face of danger. But really, she got the No. 2 spot because of her explanation for why she chose the name “The Crimson Curse”:
@shineoftay because what is as brutal as a period? NOTHING I TELL YA
— The Crimson Curse (@yelyahwilliams) May 18, 2015
1. Knockout (Karlie Kloss)
Maybe we’re old school. Maybe we just love Karlie Kloss. But the scenes with Karlie’s Knockout and Taylor’s Catastrophe duking it out in the ring were our favorites. Kaylor 4 ever.
Now, check out how cozy Taylor and boyfriend Calvin Harris got at the BMAs:
