Beyonce, Rihanna, Kanye West, and everyone in between.
Holy crap, the GRAMMYs were long. And not because the acceptance speeches were long -- each winner was given approximately five seconds to thank everyone. So in case you don’t have three and a half hours to marathon 22 performances (23, if you count LL Cool J’s weird performance of “Going Back to Cali” at the top of the show) we ranked them for you.
From best to worst:
BEYONCÉ, JOHN LEGEND & COMMON
Song: “Precious Lord, Take My Hand” and “Glory”
Moment to Talk About: That one second as the lights were coming on and Beyoncé was standing in that glittery white gown looking straight out of Solange’s wedding photo was already better than any performance of the night. TAKE US TO CHURCH, BEY (AND JOHN LEGEND AND COMMON).
ETonline Grade: A+
SIA
Song: “Chandelier”
Moment to Talk About: When you realized it was...Kristen Wiig?!
ETonline Grade: A
PHARRELL WILLIAMS
Song: “Happy”
Moment to Talk About: That cute little bellhop hat Pharrell wore that made him look like he was auditioning for The Grander Budapest Hotel: Budapest Harder. Also, that it started as some sad, scary, bizzaro version of “Happy” and ended with choir people getting down in the aisles.
ETonline Grade: A
WATCH: Kanye West stormed the stage (again!) at the GRAMMYs
MIRANDA LAMBERT
Song: “Little Red Wagon”
Moment to Talk About: The only bleep of the night (FYI, the lyrics that got censored are “I go on the road / And I do all the sh*t you wanna do”). Also, the only performer who actually seemed like she was having fun onstage.
ETonline Grade: A
HOZIER & ANNIE LENNOX
Song: “Take Me to Church” and “I Put a Spell on You”
Moment to Talk About: Um, Annie Lennox’s weird rocking out arm movements. And Annie Lennox’s weird sexy dancing. And when Annie Lennox did that weird imaginary harmonica thing and WHAT WAS EVEN HAPPENING.
ETonline Grade: A-
RIHANNA, KANYE WEST & PAUL MCCARTNEY
Song: “FourFiveSeconds”
Moment to Talk About: How often Rihanna grabbed her crotch. We missed you, Rihanna. Rihanna dancing in the background while Kanye rapped was more fun to watch than 90 percent of the show.
ETonline Grade: A-
NEWS: The complete list of winners from the 2015 GRAMMY Awards
SAM SMITH & MARY J. BLIGE
Song: “Stay With Me”
Moment to Talk About: How many gospel choirs is too many gospel choirs? This GRAMMY Awards seemed like it was trying to answer that question. This was the best use -- despite their sixth grade swing and snap choreography.
ETonline Grade: B+
KATY PERRY
Song: “By the Grace of God”
Moment to Talk About: The speech beforehand. Whoa.
ETonline Grade: B
ED SHEERAN & JOHN MAYER
Song: “Thinking Out Loud”
Moment to Talk About: John Mayer’s pink guitar. Also, are we the only ones who think these two should do a whole album of duets? Like the white guys with guitars version of Watch The Throne?
ETonline Grade: B
PHOTOS: Check out all the stars on the red carpet at the 2015 GRAMMYs
JEFF LYNNE’S ELO & ED SHEERAN
Song: “Evil Woman” and “Mr. Blue Sky”
Moment to Talk About: How cute Paul McCartney was dancing in the audience.
ETonline Grade: B
MADONNA
Song: “Living for Love”
Moment to Talk About: The fact that Madonna is 56 (FIFTY! SIX!) and still looks like that and dances like that and performs like that. There’s a reason why she’s the queen. (Though the performance was an exact carbon copy of the music video.)
ETonline Grade: B-
LADY GAGA & TONY BENNETT
Song: “Cheek to Cheek”
Moment to Talk About: Gaga has basically transformed into the cheesy lounge singer version of Jessica Rabbit. And we mean that as a high compliment.
ETonline Grade: B-
NEWS: Taylor Swift at the GRAMMYs: “Men get me in trouble!”
KANYE WEST
Song: “Only One”
Moment to Talk About: This would have placed higher if North West had been there. If this were Jay Z, Blue Ivy would’ve been there.
ETonline Grade: C+
BECK & CHRIS MARTIN
Song: “Heart Is a Drum”
Moment to Talk About: Remember when Kanye pulled a Kanye and stormed the stage after Beck beat Beyoncé for Album of the Year except he was (kind of) joking this time?
ETonline Grade: C
BRANDY CLARK & DWIGHT YOAKAM
Song: “Hold My Hand”
Moment to Talk About: Kacey Musgraves was so great last year on that small stage, with all her cute little neon cactuses and those twinkly lights. She really was so great. Anyway, Brandy Clark has a lovely voice.
ETonline Grade: C
NEWS: Everyone loved ‘The Grand Budapest Pharrell’ at the GRAMMYs!
ARIANA GRANDE
Song: “Just a Little Bit of Your Heart”
Moment to Talk About: This performance was fine, we guess. She sounded nice. But it so boring. Most of these performances were boring. The whole show was boring. BORING BORING BORING. Why did everyone perform ballads? Were they trying to make us sad? Or just bored? Or sad because we were so bored?
ETonline Grade: C
TOM JONES & JESSIE J
Song: “You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'”
Moment to Talk About: Surprisingly (or not) this was the more uncomfortable of the old-man-singing-with-a-nearly-naked-pop-star performances. Like Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett except worse.
ETonline Grade: C-
USHER
Song: “If It’s Magic”
Moment to Talk About: This was a cover of a Stevie Wonder song and the best part was when Stevie Wonder came out and played the harmonica, but if he was already there, why didn’t he just perform?
ETonline Grade: C-
JUANES
Song: “Juntos”
Moment to Talk About: Hair game on fleek.
ETonline Grade: C-
NEWS: Here are the 7 worst dressed stars at the 2015 GRAMMYs!
AC/DC
Song: “Rock or Bust” and “Highway to Hell”
Moment to Talk About: Angus Young serving face during his guitar solo and serving body in those little shorts. They got everyone rocking -- haaay, Jane Fonda -- but he was lip syncing, right?
ETonline Grade: D+
ADAM LEVINE & GWEN STEFANI
Song: “My Heart Is Open”
Moment to Talk About: We like Adam Levine. We like Gwen Stefani. We did not like this. And not only because the lyrics of the song are basically just “I wanna hear you say YEAH YEAH YEAHHHAH, YES YES YEEES” repeated until infinity.
ETonline Grade: D
ERIC CHURCH
Song: “Give Me Back My Hometown”
Moment to Talk About: Oh my god, so boring. Also, Eric Church looked like Marty McFly.
ETonline Grade: F
Meanwhile, find out the real reason why Beyoncé replaced Ledisi in that controversial Selma performance:
